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"Sleeping together is a euphemism for people, but tantamount to marriage with cats." Marge Percy
The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas
when I brought home my tree
On the second day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
On the third day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
On the fourth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
On the fifth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
On the sixth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
On the seventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
On the eighth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
On the ninth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
On the tenth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
On the eleventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
On the twelfth day of Christmas I looked at my poor tree
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the first day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... A carpeted cheaply home-made cat tree. (Feeble attempt by the Big Owner to get me off his bed where I take up most of the space. Sorry, no go.)
On the second day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Two catnip toys. (They were destroyed within minutes. Next...)
One the third day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Three nuggets of Pounce. (Stingy humans.)(After they went to bed I knocked the can over and ate the rest.)
On the fourth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Four furry mice. (Fake, what a disappointment.)
On the fifth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Five small lattice balls. (They made such an irritating noise on the hardwood floor the Big Owner took them away the next day.)
On the sixth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Six floppy stuffed Beanie Dalmatians. (95 to go. Big whoop.)
On the seventh day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Seven Pet Food Covers. (Hold on here, buckeroo. I eat a whole can of that stuff at one sitting. Covers suggest I won't be doing that anymore? Over your dead body.)
On the eighth day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Eight Hairball Toys. (Looks just like the real thing.)
On the ninth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Nine humans dancing. (Trying to not step on the fake hairballs.)
On the tenth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Ten balls of twine. (Old reliable. Z-z-z. I may knit a noose for the Big Owner.)
On the eleventh day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Eleven minutes of scratching. (It's about all the Big Owner can handle before strands of hair fly up into his nose and make him sneeze all over me.)
On the twelfth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Twelve human hugs and kisses. It makes up for all the rest.
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous
"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous
Gift Wrapping with Cat's Help
A local business was looking for office help, so they put a sign in their window saying "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but he told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database and presenting them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded. He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
"Even if you have just destroyed a Ming Vase, purr. Usually all will be forgiven." Lenny Rubenstein
The Twelve Days of Christmas Rescue
Go ahead! Sing along in the same tune as for the 12 Days of Christmas.
On the First Day of Christmas my 'true love' gave to me.
On the Second Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
On the Third Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
On the Forth Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
On the Fifth Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
On the Sixth Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
On the Seventh Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
On the Eight Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
On the Ninth Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
On the Tenth Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, my 'true love' gave to me.
A cat's wakeup method...
6:00 am. I am going to bed. (work nights). Cat is snoring at end of bed.
OWNER'S GUIDE FOR CATS
We cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. With a little love and caring, we can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human marginally trained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reason, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean can prove interesting. Start by licking them on their lips to stimulate their salivary glands, as they will need plenty of saliva for their enormous bodies. If they pull away, do not be discouraged. Lick your bottom to give them an example, and begin again. If attempts fail, try negative reinforcement by joining them in their showers thwarting their attempts to cleanse themselves, or scratching at the shower door and meowing loudly, if necessary. After they emerge from the shower fully alert, give them a demonstration of a lick bath, licking the water off of them, and then licking yourself.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you will have to work hard to get them to respond to commands. Communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. In the hardest cases, surprise is the preferred method of human training, as it appeals to what little instincts humans have, so is most likely to illicit a response. You will know you are making progress when they respond with pets and treats. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops. In extreme cases, a show of claws may be necessary to stop their behavior.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on their face, screaming in their ear, and biting their hair. When they wake up, remember to positively reinforce the behavior by purring and looking happy.
HUMAN ROMANCE: When humans are courting, their behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of them while they're in heat and sometimes resort to throwing slippers. We may dream of the day when we can have them spayed and neutered, but for now, the best advice is to leave the room, or fall asleep under the bed.
TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "procrastination reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, (just your size), and you should be fine. Always couple this negative reinforcement with a lot of love, and be prepared to give your human a time-out.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship. Good luck with your human!
Caution: don't be fooled by how cute they are
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was....
Hmmm. Not working according to plan....
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
In the Bronx, NY, lived a rich cat who was a bit of a snob, though she did begin to chat on occasion with her neighbor, an alley cat. One day, she announced that she was about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it was for.
Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask what kind of operation she had had.
"Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied, stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy."
"For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation, "Why can't you call a spayed a spayed."
Little Known Feline Ailments
Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly head butts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).
NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).
IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.
LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.
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